In our Hearts

‘In our hearts’ is a book written for and by mothers who live apart from their children within our project in Kirklees, WomenCentre. It is also a fantastic tool for anyone working with families whose children are not living with them or at risk of separation.

‘Throughout history, mothers who live apart from their children have faced harsh judgement in Western Society. Clouded in shame, the story of a mother apart is often marginalised behind that of the child/children they have left behind; surrounded by myth and a reluctance to recognise the factors which led to a mother’s separation from her children.

Within the groups at WomenCentre, an important aspect of work is mothers apart are able to acknowledge they are not alone; that what they feel is natural for the extreme circumstances they find themselves in.

In Our Hearts gives the chance for mothers to be heard in their own words and contains a mix of stories and artwork which remind the reader of her strength, resilience and creativity.

In Our Hearts is not a text book but the open and honest experiences of initial separation, court proceedings, relationships with services; of mothers who have been able to have children returned to their care or contact increased, mothers who have no current contact at all and those for whom contact will remain limited, have the versatility of being an aid and guide to learning for parents, families and professionals working in the protection of children.’

These books will be available to buy in September and will be launched at the University of Huddersfield in the Autumn. If you would like an opportunity to place an advance order please contact us by  email  on veronika.susedkova@womencentre.org.uk. If you have any questions about the book please make contact with Siobhan Beckwith on siobhan.beckwith@womencentre.org.uk .

Feedback from WAVE 's Intro to the Freedom Programme Training

Feedback from Conwy Intro to the Freedom Programme Training

Anqharad Laing Probation Officer

Heard about programme, so glad to finally get an overview and learn about the material. Very relevant for working with young females I am currently working with.

Jazmine Bonnell Case worker CAIS

Really enjoyed the course, gave me lots of information on new laws. Trainer was very clear and ran subject greatly.

Gemma Conroy Case Worker CAIS

Good training and great to get the materials

Jenny Obrien. IDVA  NW Womens Centre

Very informative and thought provoking, Trainer made me feel very relaxed. I now feel more equipped to discuss the Freedom Programme with clients

Patricia Rees Social Services Denbighshire

Very informative. Very relevant for my service users. Excellent delivery

Sue Williams Social Care Denbighshire

Interesting well presented and informative.

Karen Harrington Flintshire Youth Justice Service

Loved it ! Very informative and the trainer was engaging from the onset.

Diana Dewhurst Denbighshire Children and Families service

Good programme, trainer had a wonderful sense of humour

Rosie Morrow Outreach worker

Very clear and informative. Time to ask questions. Thank you.

Chris Ashton
Group Manager
WAVE Domestic Abuse Centre
101 Railway Road
Leigh
WN7 4AD
Tel 01942 262290
24hr 01942 262270
www.wavedvcentre.com
Follow us on twitter @wavedvcentre

Commonly used excuses for murdering women.

From 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702

The Liar uses minimisation

He uses certain words to make it all sound less than it was. “It was only a slap. It was only a push. It was just a joke. We were only playfighting. It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. She gives as good as she gets. I only hit her when she is drunk.”

He lies about what happened

"I mistook her for a burglar!"

“I had to restrain her because she was hysterical. I thought she was going to hurt herself or the children. She fell and hurt herself. She bruises easily. She was drunk and fell over. I was not using sexual violence. I have a huge libido; I need sex all the time.”

“I was defending myself. I am the victim here. Where did she get those bruises? Who did that to her? It certainly was not me. Someone must have broken in and attacked her in the night. We quarrelled.”

He lies about why it happened. He blames everything, and everyone, except himself.

“I was drunk and don’t remember a thing. I always have a bad reaction when I drink spirits. I had taken too much heroin or cocaine and it made me aggressive. It always does. I also had a bad reaction to my prescribed medication.”

“I suffer from this medical condition which makes me lash out in my sleep. I don’t know I am doing it.”

“She made me so very angry. She pushed my buttons. She wound me up! I have a short fuse and just lost it! She nagged me until I just lost it! The red mist came down and I was so angry that I blacked out. I just snapped.”

“She is mentally ill and it is so difficult to live with her. Now and then I just lash out from sheer frustration.”

“The strain of living with a handicapped child finally got to me. The strain of caring for a disabled woman finally got to me. She is such a bad mother that the children suffer because of her. “

“She is the violent one. I am the victim. I need some help. There should be refuges for abused men. Who is going to help me?”

“She is a slag. She made me do it because she was having an affair. She was having an affair and she left me and I was heartbroken. I only did it because I love her. I was out of my mind with jealousy! She deserved it. She had it coming.”

“I had a terrible childhood. I suffer from Gulf War Syndrome. I am insecure. I have low self-esteem. My mother abused me. My ex-wife was such a bitch and a slag that I find it impossible to trust women.”

“I am suffering from anxiety. I am on four different kinds of medication for my stress. “I had a migraine.”

“I am autistic. I suffer from attention deficit syndrome. I suffer from Tourette’s syndrome. I have a borderline personality disorder. I suffer from Othello syndrome (morbid jealousy). I suffer from an obsessive compulsive behaviour disorder.”

“I have been working too hard. I am unemployed. My team lost. I have learning difficulties.”

Freedom Programme Feedback Bury St Edmonds Aid Centre

The Freedom Programme has been the most useful tool ever, in our aim to help the women understand ‘how did this happen to me?’ But so, so importantly how to hopefully see the traits of a future perpetrator, that they now know as ‘the Dominator’, before they are trapped again.

This truly has been the most wonderful enhancement to our work here at the Refuge, and leaves us, as Staff feeling we are giving our families the best chance of a safe, happy future. Many, many thanks for this Pat.

Feedback from our Birmingham training

Hi Pat
My apologies for not sending this feedback before I left work...I just hope my feedback gives your training the justice it deserves. 


I have attended a variety of training courses over my time in employment and all delivered in much the same way (death by power point) but the delivery of the Freedom Programme by Pat was by far the best I have ever had the privilege to participate in.  Pat and her colleagues gave the training life...a heartbeat...by using real life examples of all sides of the spectrum that is domestic abuse...from child...to mum...to perpetrator...no one left that training course without food for thought...be that their own reflections of how they work, deliver their work and of how this topic has impacted in their own lives in one way or another.  Pat, you are such an inspiration and I don't say that statement to anyone lightly ( I can count on one hand)...you may be retiring, but you have started a movement in the many women, children and men who have accessed your material in whichever way possible...a movement towards freedom of power and control...my respect to you and all that you do and continue to do...no more silent voices. 

Pat, I don't feel this statement even begins to express what attending your course meant to me...thank you for listening and sharing your time with me.  
Love and respect. 

Fantastic three days and enjoyed every minute. It was a real pleasure to meet such wonderful people from all areas and fields of work that want to make a difference to individual lives when they are unfortunate enough to get tied up in these horrible situations. Superb training Pat, you are a real diamond!

Enjoy your holiday everyone.

Love & hugs to all of you.

​Hi Pat

I found the training amazing, I was thinking about ways to deliver this in my own style all the way through. I felt sad leaving the 3 days as I felt a bond had been created with all that attended.

It's a shame you are retiring, those fantastic shoes will take some filling. I am glad that I had the opportunity to have sat in your training sessions.
Nottinghamshire Women's Aid Ltd

 For your blog…

“It was the best training I have ever received and I am not known to exaggerate. Pat was a warm and natural facilitator and absolutely knows her stuff. The freedom programme is an amazingly useful tool for women who are experiencing (or who have experienced) domestic violence. It is feminism without the “f” word, for those who may be out off by the label. Very powerful”

You may use it all or just some.

It was very powerful, Pat, I’m reeling a bit still from three days of hearing the abusive words/tactics men are using but thank you and I was very glad to be part of your last one in Birmingham.
Young Women's Outreach Support Worker - 'You're Not Alone' Leicester

The best training I have ever attended, by far.  I love the concept of taking the delegates through the same course material as the women we will facilitate to do the programme.  Lots of laughs, lots of tears and lots of food for thought.  Having worked in the field of Domestic Abuse, both front line and strategically, locally and nationally, I realise I had become blasé towards my work.  Not anymore!  This course really made me think about the dynamics of Domestic Abuse afresh.  I feel inspired to take on the cause anew that is Ending Violence against Women and Children.  Pat Craven is an incredible and wonderful woman.

 Senior domestic Abuse Consultant – City of Westminster Council.

Mens programme

Chris from WAVE DV Centre is now able to accept commissions from Local Authorities to provide two day courses for men who want to become better partners and fathers. The Freedom Programme is about male gender based violence to women and girls. It is therefore not suitable for  
male victims. 
I am delighted that she can use her fees to provide the Freedom Programme to women survivors. 

Here is an extract from the Men’s Manual which is about to become  available on Amazon.

Introduction

How to set up the course

I have produced this manual in response to requests from hundreds of practitioners who have asked for a different approach to working with men who use violence against women. 

I am Pat Craven a former probation officer who ran perpetrator programmes for Merseyside Probation Service between 1996 and 1998. I concluded that the programmes could have been much more successful if they were run in a very different style and by a different agency which was not subjected to the same constraints as a statutory body. 

Imparting rules and instructions. 

Everyone who attends is instructed to procure a copy of ‘Living with the Dominator’ and ‘How Hard Can It Be...?’. They must complete the written course before attending and bring their completed copy to the event. 

The letter I send to trainees when the event is confirmed includes a timetable and  a list of the rules. A template of the letter is available at the end of this manual. However at the beginning of the weekend I always restate the rules as I will describe in the instructions on how to facilitate session one.

The Gender of the Facilitators. 

They can be either women or men. They should have experience of facilitating the Freedom Programme. They do not need a man to be present so he can be a ‘role model.’ Women facilitators give a message that women do not need a man to help them. However I have trained several men who understand the programme and they are also eminently suitable.

Partners.

If a couple are still together, female partners should not be excluded. They should be in the room and be able to watch how he is reacting. They are the only people capable of assessing if he is learning anything or is changing. They are not only watching their own dominator but they are watching other men who are sitting in a group with him who are visibly changing. This is also has the additional advantage of bringing the men’s shortened version of the Freedom Programme to women who may not otherwise have a chance to attend the women’s programme. 

Many other women who have already completed the women’s programme then bring their abusers to the men’s weekend as a condition of allowing him to stay in the relationship. Many men in this situation often agree to attend the weekend in the belief that they need not take it seriously and can get away with paying lip service to it. 

Measuring outcomes. 

Six  out of 10 women who accompany their abusers tell me that the men have changed for the better. Four out of ten report no change but regard the event as a success because they can now make informed decisions.  Another way of evaluating success is to count what percentage of couples who attend have their children returned from the care of the local authority. 

Duration

Unlike the women’s programme the men’s programmes should not be for a few hours a week. They are much more effective if compacted in to 2 days. This means they do not return to society in between sessions and have all their beliefs reinforced every time. 

Reports

Facilitators should never write reports for courts or social care. They cannot assess if he has changed or not. They also have a vested interest in seeming to have succeeded and often get funding just because they say a man has changed. In other words women can be put at risk by facilitators who write such reports. The only person who can assess whether the man has genuinely changed is the partner who is watching him interact with other men in his group. 

Numbers

It is essential never to run the programme without sufficient men. It cannot work because success depends completely on the men learning from and informing each other. If there are not enough and the facilitator is actually telling the men what to think the programme will fail. They can only learn from each other. If the programme fails it will reinforce their behaviour instead of challenging it. 

Facilitators need the flexibility to cancel a programme if too few turn up. I never confirm an event as viable until I have at least twenty five couples as I know from experience that only around half of them may turn up. The minimum number should be sixteen men plus their partners. 

Always be prepared to cancel the weekend if too few attend and always make this clear to everyone who books a place. 

Observers

I welcome observers but I insist that they join the groups. We are all anonymous and no group member must know the identity of another unless they are the partner who came with them. 

Discipline

Trainees must behave or leave. Court mandates are self defeating. What is the point of a man attending because his solicitor can appeal against his removal? If he gets away with abusive behaviour it will reinforce his belief that abusive behaviour is acceptable because it has worked again. It is crucial that when I facilitate of this programme I have freedom to set my rules and to enforce them. 

I will not change my rules to attract funding or meet guidelines set by other agencies. 

No personal information

Don’t let the men  talk about themselves. They all sincerely believe that their victims force them to use violence. The men who come to my programmes arrive expecting me to help them cope with this horrible woman who forces them to assault her. If we allow them to air their very distorted views we are colluding with them and putting women in danger. 

Enforcement

If anyone does not keep my rules I ask them to leave. If they refuse to go I will not continue and I close down the programme. I tell everyone to leave and ask those who really want to be there to leave their contact details with me so I can invite them when I arrange another date. 

Usually when the miscreant has left everyone else remains and we continue with the programme. When I expel anyone it usually results in excellent cooperation from everyone else. 

Safety

Some accuse the Freedom Programme for Men of endangering women. They imagine a situation where a man can become so enraged by the programme or indeed by being ejected from the group that they attack their partner in revenge. This betrays a lack of understanding of the way abusers behave. 

When an abusive man commits an act of violence it is always planned. So in this situation he may have decided to be ejected from the course so he can blame her for insisting that he attends. They do not just ‘lose it’ and attack their partners. 

MISSION STATEMENT FOR THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

MISSION STATEMENT FOR THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

The Freedom Programme is about male gender based violence to women and girls. It is therefore not suitable for male victims. 

Any woman should be able to phone the contact numbers on my website and be

told where and when the next session is taking place and whether crèche

facilities are available. I do not endorse intrusive questions, referrals or risk

assessments.

Women must be actively welcomed to the programme.

We never give advice or tell any woman that she should leave. If it were so easy

we would have all left.

Judgemental statements such as ‘I would never let anyone do that to me’ or ‘this

has never happened to me’ are not acceptable.

Facilitators refer to all women as ‘us’ and never use the dreaded words ‘These

Women.’

These programmes are only for the women who attend them. I do not endorse

the presence of observers.

Ideally, every woman who attends should be given a copy of the book ‘Living with

the Dominator’ and the supplement ‘The Freedom Programme Home Study

Course’ as soon as she arrives. This will enhance her learning. Clearly she will

know if it is safe to take these publications home or to leave them in a folder

with the facilitator.

This programme lasts for 12 x 90 minute sessions. It is a rolling programme, so

women who attend can miss a session and do it later when they are ready. Some

women can take years to complete it. 

Session 4 is about the ‘Effects of Domestic Abuse on Children’. It is repeated in session 8. Facilitators who only want to run this once can shorten the programme to 11 weeks.